About my book and me and whatever thoughts happen to fall out of my head

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Back from the dead.

Hello!!!!!  I know its been a hell of a long time.  I am naughty, I know.  But are you really going to reprimand me?

Things have been crazy here lately, there is also the fact that where I am currently living, I cannot get internet….well I can but its satelite and seriously expensive.  It is so weird not having internet, not being able to go online when I want to, its a little annoying but also somewhat freeing!  I have found that I can live without internet.  Though I have not had much of a choice.  Though I have a data connection on my phone and am geek enough to have it set up as a wi-fi hotspot and can tether my phone to my laptop, the only time I can do that is when I have a data connection on my phone.  The only way you can have a decent data connection is by having phone reception….and guess what I don’t have?  LOL  for me to have a phone conversation at home I need to stand by the window, with the phone on speaker and do something akin to a rain dance…okay so I don’t have to do the rain dance but I may as well have to.  Thing is even though I have to do this to take or make a phonecall the reception seems to bounce around the house.  So that one minute its fine and the next it doesn’t exist.  Save to say it is a HUGE pain in the ass for trying to tether or even have a data connection on the phone and to be honest while I could write the blog from my phone it takes to long and predictive text makes it yet another pain in the ass.

And why, you ask would someone allow themselves to move somewhere that is almost a communication black hole….Well the simple answer is in fact love.  I met someone.  This someone is Irish which means I am gone back to my own nationality, no offense anyone but after going out with a German for four years this is something huge for me.  And it makes me wonder why on earth I pulled away from Irish guys in the first place.  Anyway, living on the farm, left me little time or opportunity to meet someone and my best friend Honza, pissed me off one day.  I was being quiet and just thinking about stuff, how much I didn’t want to get stuck in CH, and how lonely I actually was and he said that it really annoys him when I close myself off from him.  I told him it annoys me when he does the same thing and he claimed that when I said things like that he felt as though I had him on a leash.  I could only sit there and stare at him open mouthed, as he ranted at me that if I wanted to change my circumstances I should just do it, I should take dance lessons or a creative writing class or sign up to a dating website…All of which are valid suggestions and things we had talked about doing previously, but might I add, things he promised he would do with me as I am not great at stepping out of my comfort zone.  Granted he couldn’t do the dating website with me but he promised he would help me take some nice pictures for a dating profile.  Anyway while he was railing at me about all this all I could think was “You are such a hypocrite” at least when I am hurting I don’t shut the world out completely and cut all my friends and family off as he does.  So as I said he pissed me off so I decided I would do it without his help and so I signed up to a dating website.  It was something that scared me stupid but I was so pissed off that it never even once occured to me not to do it.  So I found an okay picture of myself and HEY PRESTO I was on a singles site.  Let me tell you at 30 years of age, a female and not too long having your life as you know it crumble down around your ears it is a scary as hell prospect to put yourself out there like that.  If anyone is wondering the site was; http://www.connectingingles.com (It is a global website but you can narrow down your critera to your area) Anyway I had a few emails come in and started talkin to some people and decided to meet this one particular guy.  So for the first time in my life, I had my first ever, first date.  :) It did not go well, but still I managed to get to 30 without ever going on a first date….that is slightly pathetic.  Anyway I decided not to let that stop me, then I met him online.

On my profile I specified I wanted a guy between 30 and 37, and one evening I got an email from a guy, Darren, saying that he was one year out but thought he would try for contact anyway.  I looked at his profile saw he was 38 and almost didn’t reply but in the end decided fuck it why not.  So I emailed him back.  Within days we had sent each other our numbers and kept in almost constant contact.  We met and it felt as if we had known each other years.  There was no pretense at all, things just were, and they were easy, so we agreed to keep seeing each other and we both cancelled our profiles on the dating site.  Within weeks we had told each other we loved each other, and he wanted me to move in with him.  A little gun shy I asked him to wait a few months to see how we got on with each other.  Well we continued to get on well and it continued being easy and I fell more and more in love with him.  So I have moved in with him.  Given that he had already bought his own house there was no real deciding on where we would live.  And that is the reason I live in a communication black hole.  The simplest, yet most complex motivation, love.  Finally I have a good guy and I think after everything I have been through I deserve it.

In other news, because I have not yet got my computer/study area setup (we are re-decorating) I have not done so much writing on my book.  Its a little hard to do it when you have no space to work in peace, especially witht he TV on so that has been put on hold until the decorating is all done.  Which will be hopefully at some point this week.

My father is doing well by all accounts, not that he is speaking much to me, but from what I have heard from my brother, he is still not drinking which means he is off the alcohol almost 10 months.  I am delighted and so proud of him.

There really is not much else to add.  I miss you all and hope everything in your lives is going well.  And remember two things, the first everything happens for a reason and the second, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

All my love,

Keep happy and keep writing,

Exxxxx

James Herbert OBE. 8 April 1943-20 March 2013. RIP

Oh wow James Herbert has died.  That is something that caught me by surprise.  Something great in the world of books and literature has died.  Maybe this is how people felt when Richie Valance and Buddy Holly died.

James Herbert, The Rats, was my first foray into his world.  The book was given to me by my best friend at the time, Paul, the guy I randomly met last week, when I was down home.  Almost from the first page I was hooked, by the end of the book I was terrified.  I have never been able to look at a rat, or even a mouse in the same way since.  I have read many, though sadly not all of his books over the years.  The last one I read scared me so much I didn’t sleep for almost two weeks and by the time I was half way through the book I decided I could only read it in daylight hours.  It was, of course, The Secret of Crickley Hall.  I have Ash on my to buy list for a long time but I have been trying to screw up the courage to buy it.  Because once I buy it I will have to read it, and I live in a really creepy house! I really don’t know what to say.  I have great memories of reading his books, sleeping with a torch and/or night light just in case.  In some cases not sleeping at all.  His writing was beautiful.  It is a shame that the world will never see another James Herbert book.

I know many do not like his style of writing but a lot has to be said that he has been a bestselling author since 1974.

A great man, a fantastic author.  He will be sorely missed by many.

My condolences go out to his family and friends.

Rest in Peace, James Herbert.  The world will miss you.

Love

Exxxx

Everything happens for a reason

I am a firm believer in that statement.  Everything does happen for a reason.  I found a quote the other day that helped kind of sum things up for me.  “Some day everything will make perfect sense.  So for now, laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears and remind yourself that everything happens for a reason.”

Given some of the stuff that has happened with me over the last few months it is true.  I have, with help done the laughing and smiling and I have my friends to thank for that.  But sometimes I do wonder why some things happen.

I am currently in Cork with my mother, for my cousins engagement party.  And we, my mother and I were coming back from the city center after a heavy day of shopping.  And the subject of one of my closest friends when I was younger came up.  I haven’t seen Paul in at least six years, we had a huge fight and we stopped talking.  And even though he lives literally across the road I haven’t even run into him when I come home for a visit.  So me and mam were just talking and suddenly I see a guy at the bus stop about 50 yards away, and say “Mam is that him?” and she was like it can’t be.  That would be to weird, but as we got closer it became clearer it was him.  Now as I said we haven’t spoken or even recognized each other in years and then I see that he has spotted me and then he is smiling at me and hugging me.  I was gob-smacked to say the least.  We chatted for a bit and he gave me his number and to be honest I couldn’t think of a polite way to say no and to be honest I didn’t really want to.  I haven’t seen him in so long and we were the greatest for friends.  I have missed him.  So I will contact him this afternoon and see if he is free.  But the thing that is shocking is that I was talking about him and then suddenly he was there.  That hasn’t happened to me in years and it used to happen quite a lot to me.

Cork at the moment is going well, I don’t want to kill mam just yet and I have been down since Wednesday, but I am looking forward to going back home on Monday.  I will see my best friend and get a much needed hug from him.  I miss his hugs.  And isn’t it funny that all my best friends seem to be male?  I just seem to be able to get on better with men than I do with women.  But I have never minded that to be honest but it is just a little strange how he has come into my life again so suddenly.  Since me and Christian broke up all these people keep coming back into my life.  And I think that is a good thing because he managed to pull me away from all my friends, and made me dependent on him.  Of course, I did not notice this until after we broke up and realized how all my friends have disappeared.  But my life is settling down again and people are coming back.  I figure that if they are meant to be in my life, they will just turn up.   The Paul did yesterday.  I think it is proof that my life is getting back to normal.  And I couldn’t be happier.  You never know what comes your way so just smile and be happy and take life as it comes.  Things will happen no matter how much you plan, how much you try to avoid them happening so take life as it comes and deal with it when it hits, be it shit or otherwise.

Now I have to go because people are waiting on me.

Keep happy and keep on writing.

Love ya’ll

E xxxx

Smile, it confuses people!

Its been a long but okay week.  My best friend and I are sorted out, as I think I already mentioned.  It amounted to a mis-communication of sorts.  We are now due to some straight talking and no more beating around the bush, closer then ever strangely enough.  We seem to be more comfortable in each others company and get on easier.  I am once again, covered in bruises thanks to play fighting and for some strange reason I am finding scratches in weird places on my body but, given the way I was being thrown around like a rag doll that is to be expected.  I was given a Chinese Burn at some point over the week also.  I haven’t been given one of those since I was about 13 and man do they hurt.  I had forgotten how much they hurt to be honest.

But things are good.  It made for a fun week and weekend last week.  Albeit I don’t like surprises early in the morning, which his arrival here was.  We talked about a lot of stuff and cleared the air even more and things are back on a more even keel now.

The place is busy this week, lots going on.  Lambing is due to start soon, and I of course, am disappearing to Cork for the first few days of it.  My cousin is after getting engaged and the party is next weekend.  I am looking forward to it but it also means the extra days break, means more time spent with my mother.  the only consolation is she will be working until the afternoon some of the days so maybe my time in Cork won’t be spent wanting to kill her!  Not that I actually would I love my mother! (I don’t think she reads this but you never know!)

So I go to Cork on Wednesday as well.  Should be fun.  I am looking forward to the break, I am not looking forward to everything I have to do when I get back. Just thinking about it stresses me out and I get this horrible pain across my shoulders.  I am used to that feeling, its where the tension lies for me, but I will get through it.  My best friend promised to help out and whether he knows it or not yet I will be holding him to that promise.

Today is a day off, and my bosses/friends have gone out so I have the place to myself.  Most people would take the opportunity to do something crazy.  I plan to lock myself in my room with some movies and TV shows that I need to catch up on.

I know this post is a little all over the place but I don’t care.  Today is a good day.  Granted it is cold outside and a little inside and we are short on wood for the fires, but I am not starting up the tractor that overheated on me this morning to get more in.  That can be dealt with later or tomorrow on my other day off.  And I cannot wait to sleep in tomorrow.  Maybe I should text my best friend see if he is up for a Skype chat later.  Anyway right now I have to go paper the hens.  Yeah I live in the country.

Catch ya later,

Keep happy and keep on writing.

Love y’all

Exxxx

Flirt. Apparently its good for you.

I heard something today that made me smile.  And I think it suits.  “Stop waiting for Prince Charming.  Get up and find him.  The idiot is probably stuck in a tree or something.”  And I thought well that sums it up to a tee.  And given some of the things I was thinking about doing before I read it it felt as if something or someone was telling me that I need to do this.  Things, as you know, have been hard the last couple of months and I haven’t been coping real well.  Today has been a good day, though my mother reckons I only need to get laid.  And maybe I do.  I hate to say it but it has been awhile and I am a fairly hot blooded woman to be honest with you.  An FIB would be great given that one night stands are so not my thing.  Been there, done that, felt like shit.  And given that I am already quite down on myself a one night stand would probably drive me over the edge.  See mum, I have some sense after all!  (Not that she reads this.  Thank God, Satan, Budda and whoever else is out there stopping my mother finding my blog!)

The day started as normal, got up, showered and did my hair.  Got dressed and realized that having lost almost two stone I am almost back to the Miss Thin I was when I was in my early twenties and I looked damn good.  So went down had breakfast and for once I was on time for myself and the woman I am staying with, to leave.  Except due to another acquaintance who found it vitally important that he arrive this morning and this thing needed to be done, my being on time was wasted and we ended up waiting around for an hour and half before we could actually leave.  So we eventually left and did a few bits and pieces and we talked about a few things that had been bothering us.  I like Fridays as they are usually the one day I get out, even my days off are spent around this place.  And that can be hard.  So anyway, we did our errands and headed to Claremorris as I needed to find an engagement present for my cousin, (Congratulations Neil and Erica) and I must remember to buy a card!  And I found a lovely set of four wine glasses.  I have no idea if they will be their taste or not but they are simple, elegant and classic.  Best I can do, and hey when your drinking wine, a glass is a glass right?!  So anyway I took them up the checkout and I have to say there was a guy there who was so my type.  Tall, dark hair, cute smile and brown eyes.  Oh Lord above brown eyes.  I am a sucker for brown eyes.  And did I mention he was quite good looking?  Very like a guy I went out with a long time ago actually.  We flirted a little and I watched him wrap the gift, and my friend joined me from browsing the store, and said, “Oh he is wrapping it for you to?”  to which I replied, “Yes and he is doing a better job then I would.  He even cut the paper straight.”  The guy laughed and smiled as did I until my friend said, “Ah that’s because the paper has lines.”  I laughed and the guy blushed, and I said, “Oh I was quite impressed until you pointed that out.”  The guy, god love him said, “So was I.”  And while he wrapped we talked a little about little things that seemed to be everyday, idle chitchat.  It wasn’t until I had left I turned to my friend and stated my interest.  He was after-all my type and every time I go out with someone who isn’t in my type it ends up a disaster.  My relationship with Christian being a perfect example.  That was when my friend said she was surprised I hadn’t asked for or given him my number, because she said there was definitely chemistry there.  And therein lies my problem.  I don’t see these things.  I never have.  I can be completely oblivious when someone is flirting with me.  I tend to trust my friends when they say that there was something there.  She now has me a little over half convinced to go back there next week and just give him my number and say if he wants to use it he can.  I mean I could just write it on a piece of paper and hand it to him and leave again.  That way, I wouldn’t go red and I don’t have to face rejection head on.  But still I think, “I don’t know.”  But that is not the point I wanted to make.  The thing is, the exchange whether or not I do something about it has made me feel good.  It has made me feel attractive.  For the first time I noticed, guys look at me when I walk past.  A guy actually whistled at me today.  That my friends is a good feeling, especially when I have been put down almost everyday for three years.

Isn’t it funny that sometimes you end up in a relationship that you think is a good relationship, until you get out of it.  Then you realize that it was actually a rather abusive relationship, or at least not healthy.  I gave everything I had for Christian, I moved away from my main family, I gave up my job, my friends.  I lost an awful lot of friends throughout the relationship because they were telling me what I couldn’t see.  Christian of course backed me up and encouraged me to get them out of my life.  Thankfully there were a few friends that stuck around.  And I mean literally a few.  Even the one I have been so angry with for the last few weeks.

So there is a long week ahead.  Plenty of sheep to feed and fluke, logs to be brought in, and god knows what else but it shall be done and if I am lucky I will get some writing done in the down times.  I might even actually continue with the edits of the first draft of my book and get it out of the way.

So keep on writing and keep happy.

Love y’all.

Exxxx

PS Flirt with a stranger, its good for you!

Revelation

I took a day out for myself and as I sit in a Cafe drinking a Mocha, an excellent Mocha I may add, and indulging myself in a bit of people watching instead of reading a book, I realized this is what I needed.
I needed a day off to unwind and not worry about anything but myself. I indulged myself to a degree I never usually let myself. I shopped for clothes and books buying what I wanted with only the slightest hesitation and then in a rare move I went to the movies. On my own!!! Its unheard of. But I wanted to see Les Miserables and I had no-one to go with me. I thought I did but alas I was on my own. And I enjoyed it. I laughed and yes there were one or two places it was allowed and I cried. I hadn’t expected to cry but I was quite glad I had tissues with me thanks to this horrendous weather that seems to be plaguing Ireland right now. After I left the movie theatre I left with a smile on my face.
The smile, not because of the movie, though it was a factor but because I am finally becoming me again. When I was with Christian I would never have been able to do what I did today. I would never have browsed the stores, couldn’t have lingered over coffee. I wouldn’t have been able to enjoy my own company and I realized I miss my own company. While it is hard having to start all over again, I find that I am enjoying finding out about myself. Getting that jolt that says “You haven’t done this in years” And trust me its a big Damn bolt. I actually feel normal today…well normal for me. I needed to get out and be on my own for a few hours. The darkness has packed off for now. Doing what I did today on a more regular basis will help keep it back. Although a good hug and cuddle wouldn’t go astray today things are good. Iay even get some writing done this evening.
Keep on writing and keep happy
Love ya
E xxx

You can’t always get what you want. But if you try sometime you find, you get what you need

RWT=Real World Temptation.  MWT= My World Temptation.

While the Rolling Stones said it best, I don’t believe that is the be all and end all on the subject.  I am a logical kinda girl.  I always have been.  Sometimes I have had no choice but to be.  I had to grow up early.  And missed out on a lot of childhood and teenage experiences but, it is through that I can sit here today and say all of that has made me the person I am today.

It has made me strong, logical, reliable.  It makes me at opportune and very inopportune times guilty about things.  With people I know I am straightforward, I can be rather blunt at times and with people I don’t know I am the same way but maybe not as hardcore.  I have my principles and my beliefs and I don’t compromise on that.  I used to see the world as black and white but some events over the last few years has made me realise that there are (and I dread using this phrase) shades of grey in the world.  That made me change my perspective on quite a few things.

Now even as I describe myself again even I am not written in black and white.  Believe me I have my idiosyncrasies.  I strongly believe in my writing, except for those days where I get that overwhelming urge to throw the whole thing into the fire.  I almost did it last week with my printed, and edited manuscript.  The only thing that would allow me to do it without guilt or panic once it had burned is the fact that I have it backed up on my PC, a USB pen-drive  an external hard-drive and just in case on a CD.  That is where my O.C.D. thing comes in.  I have a habit of walking away from people in the middle of a conversation without any explanation whatsoever, because a good line or plot twist for whatever I happen to be writing at that particular moment pops into my head.  It tends to make people think I am rude until I explain my reasons when I see them again later.  Then they just think I am strange.  I’ve been called worse.  I can be so distracted at times making any attempts at conversation impossible.  And I have my anti-social days where I just want to be left alone in the company of a book and tend to growl at those who dare disturb me.  I have gotten quite good at growling at people.

I tend to alienate people as well.  A lot of people cannot get used to or handle how blunt and straightforward I can be.  I am not great at sugar coating things. If something sounds ridiculous or silly to me I have no problems voicing that opinion out loud.  I have been told I can come across as rather petulant at times.  And even at 30 years of age that makes me feel like a three year old rather than a fully grown adult.  Then I have my silly days.  Those days where the slightest thing causes me to giggle.  I feel as high as a kite and am as giddy as a school girl.  I have my days where I am deep in thought.  I have my days where I am both extrovert and introvert.

I am told I am a strong, brave person.  I am caring and kind.  I am helpful and reliable to my friends.  I have also been told that I need to let go at times.  That I can be to rigid.  I find it hard to let go.  I find it hard to relax and just let things happen the way they are supposed to.  I have both endless patience and I have no patience.  I am a contradiction, a paradox.  And sometimes that annoys me about myself.  I know there are things I have to wait for.  But right now I know what I want.  I know what I need.  They are one and the same.

Myself and Christian…well that was a disaster.  I knew a year ago we should not have been together.  But I had this irrational fear that I would end up alone.  Decemeber 2011 I was fully prepared, after a weekend in Cork to break up with him.  Then things happened and I thought “Well maybe we can work this out.”  But I would look at him and think “I am not attracted to you.  I don’t even think I love you anymore.”  At this stage we had even stopped sleeping in the same bed.  In the same room.  He would go to college and I would relax and enjoy my day and the second I heard the front door open I would tense up.  I would get this awful pain across my shoulders and back.  And the heartburn…Oh God. I was swigging a large bottle of heartburn medication almost every three days.  that was not healthy.  Then he would open his mouth and just piss me off to be honest.  Then I realised while all this was going on I had feelings for someone else.  And even though MWT was always there I managed to deny those feelings.  Until I spoke about it to a mutual friend.  Thats when my sanity almost broke.  MWT became everything.  I would slip into my world and see him whenever Christian had pissed me off.  Just for some relief, for some relaxation.  Seeing the RWT counterpart made me even better.  Getting a hug from him was amazing.  A full proper hug.  It made me feel so good that there was someone in my life that was actually happy to see me.  Until then I had felt neglected.  I was tired and stressed at being a mother to a fully grown 43 year old man.

Then when dad got sick that was when the shit well and truly hit the fan.  I was gone most days, all day.  And when I got home, tired, stressed and on the verge of tears and needing to be looked after I was asked “what are we doing for dinner?”  This could be any time between 7pm and 11pm when I got home.  That made me feel angry and stressed and at this point we usually errupted into fights.  And at the time RWT was away and all I could think was “I wish he was here.”  I knew that if he was I would be able to talk to him, pour out my sorrows, cry on his shoulder.  I don’t think I ever missed anyone as much.  Then one evening I remember talking to Christian and informing him that we, as a couple were hanging by a thread.  He put off that particular conversation for two weeks.  By this time I was coming up to a time where I was house-sitting for the above mentioned mutual friend for a little over a week and I couldn’t wait.  I told Christian it would give us both time to think about whether we could fix our situation or even if we wanted to.  I knew at this time I did not want to fix it.  I just wanted him out of my life.  A few nights before I went house-sitting Christian had informed me that he had been to see his shrink and was on the verge of a breakdown.  That his father also being an alcoholic (I was always told he was a highly functioning alcoholic) had been verbally abusive.  The first time in almost four years together I heard this.  And that my father being ill and in hospital with possible liver failure had brought it all back.  All I could think was “You selfish bastard”  That might sound cruel but its the truth.  It was how I felt.  I couldn’t deal with it.  So off I went house-sitting  a day early just so I could get away from him and thinking of ways to extend my stay.  The first couple of days I barely saw Christian but I was starting to relax and by this time RWT had come back though I hadn’t seen him.  Then Christian came over on a Monday evening I think it was and said he couldn’t do it anymore.  That because over the last few weeks I was aggressive and abusive, if he stayed with me there was a real possibility he would harm himself.  Of course I was aggressive and abusive, we were fighting and I would come home after being out all day, worrying about my father, juggling so many things and I would come home and be expected to cook and clean after he sat on his ass on the couch doing nothing all day but getting stoned.  One of the reasons I hadn’t broken up with him sooner was because I was afraid he would harm himself if I left.  So he all but left me stranded, took the car, in the back ass of nowhere.  Then he left.  And all I could think was “Thank God!”  I turned my music up loud and danced around the house.  The sense of relief was almost overwhelming.  I texted RWT to tell him what had happened and that I would not be able to pick him up from even the bus stop.  Yet he still came even though he had to walk a few miles to the house.

I can’t remember the last time I was so happy to see someone.  I all but launched myself at him when he turned up on the doorstep.  And I got one of his great hugs, where I was actually, for the first time in my life, lifted off my feet and swung around.  Someone was happy to see me.  It felt great.  I wanted to tell him how I felt about him but decided maybe not the best time.  I didn’t want him to think he was second best, or a rebound after Christian.  So I decided I would leave it and give myself time to settle into my new home.

Getting my things from Christian proved harder then expected given that he turned mean and spiteful.  He actually took two GB of RAM from my PC, something that I am very, very pissed about.  I liked having my nice powerful 6 GB PC.  But still it pissed me off.  When the mutual friend found out, she decided no more.  And on New Years Eve she got her partner, his brother, myself and herself into the car, with a horsebox attached and took us to where I used to live with Christian where we had all my things boxed and packed away in the horse box in under two hours.  Christian had been very surprised.  And living like a pig.  It was disgusting and the smell from all the cats was vile.  He wasn’t cleaning up after himself and he himself looked ill.  He has lost loads of weight and looks rather like a string-bean and was as white as a sheet.  And he looked old.  I looked at him and knew then we were doing the right thing.  I was happy and relieved to be away from him.  Knowing I don’t have to deal with his shit has made all the difference.

In my mind, given the last year, I feel I have been single for over a year.  I am ready to get back out there but I as I said I know what I want.  And I know what I need.  I need someone who is willing to take me as I am, warts and all.  (Not that I have any physical warts) I want someone who can look at me when I am growling and when I am smiling and think “its all part of who she is”  I want someone who is willing to have an equal partnership.  Someone to share the load.  Who will look after me and let me look after them.  Someone who will pull me out of my shell when I need it, someone who will let me be antisocial when I need it and naturally the same goes for me.  I want something that will stand the test of time.  I want someone I can talk with, no matter the subject and I want someone where we can both sit on the couch and read or be on the computer and just be happy in each others company.  I want someone who sees all my idiosyncrasies and still think “Amazing.” I want someone where I don’t have to be the strong on all the time.  I want someone I can lean on when times get tough.  I want someone I can let go with and break down and not feel guitly about.  I need all things. I think I could have it.  I think I deserve that.  I think I could have that with RWT if he felt the same.  I wish I had the courage to find out.

So for now I may have to settle for a great friendship because as strong as I am, as blunt as I am, as straight forward as I am.  And as brave as some people think I am, I actually am a coward.  I always have been.  The thoughts of telling anyone my feelings, has my stomach in knots, my back all tensed up, my heart pounding and sweat pouring from me.  And I will have the words in my head and they just will not get out no matter what.

Its like that day when I was walking with RWT before he left and I was explaining My World and that MWT had moved in and was reading my books and RWT asked me what MWT sounded like.  And I started stammering.  I only ever stammer when I am nervous or wound up.  All I could think was “He sounds like you because he is you.”  But what came out was “I…I…I… d…d…d…don’t th…th…th…think I c…c…c…can p…p…p…put it into w..w..w..words.”  I felt like such a fool and I was so angry with myself and my face flamed so hot a bright I could have landed a bloody airplane.  Even now it is really embarrassing to think about.  Hell the thought of it still makes my stomach knot up.

So maybe I won’t get what I want but given that I need the same thing as what I want maybe for once I will get lucky and get it anyway.

Gotta go, sheep to be fed, dogs to be walked etc.

Keep happy and Keep on writing

Love ya’ll

Elaine

PS Sorry for the late wishes but HAPPY NEW YEAR.  I hope you all get what you wish for in 2013 and may you have the strength to keep to your resolutions.

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