RWT=Real World Temptation. MWT= My World Temptation.
While the Rolling Stones said it best, I don’t believe that is the be all and end all on the subject. I am a logical kinda girl. I always have been. Sometimes I have had no choice but to be. I had to grow up early. And missed out on a lot of childhood and teenage experiences but, it is through that I can sit here today and say all of that has made me the person I am today.
It has made me strong, logical, reliable. It makes me at opportune and very inopportune times guilty about things. With people I know I am straightforward, I can be rather blunt at times and with people I don’t know I am the same way but maybe not as hardcore. I have my principles and my beliefs and I don’t compromise on that. I used to see the world as black and white but some events over the last few years has made me realise that there are (and I dread using this phrase) shades of grey in the world. That made me change my perspective on quite a few things.
Now even as I describe myself again even I am not written in black and white. Believe me I have my idiosyncrasies. I strongly believe in my writing, except for those days where I get that overwhelming urge to throw the whole thing into the fire. I almost did it last week with my printed, and edited manuscript. The only thing that would allow me to do it without guilt or panic once it had burned is the fact that I have it backed up on my PC, a USB pen-drive an external hard-drive and just in case on a CD. That is where my O.C.D. thing comes in. I have a habit of walking away from people in the middle of a conversation without any explanation whatsoever, because a good line or plot twist for whatever I happen to be writing at that particular moment pops into my head. It tends to make people think I am rude until I explain my reasons when I see them again later. Then they just think I am strange. I’ve been called worse. I can be so distracted at times making any attempts at conversation impossible. And I have my anti-social days where I just want to be left alone in the company of a book and tend to growl at those who dare disturb me. I have gotten quite good at growling at people.
I tend to alienate people as well. A lot of people cannot get used to or handle how blunt and straightforward I can be. I am not great at sugar coating things. If something sounds ridiculous or silly to me I have no problems voicing that opinion out loud. I have been told I can come across as rather petulant at times. And even at 30 years of age that makes me feel like a three year old rather than a fully grown adult. Then I have my silly days. Those days where the slightest thing causes me to giggle. I feel as high as a kite and am as giddy as a school girl. I have my days where I am deep in thought. I have my days where I am both extrovert and introvert.
I am told I am a strong, brave person. I am caring and kind. I am helpful and reliable to my friends. I have also been told that I need to let go at times. That I can be to rigid. I find it hard to let go. I find it hard to relax and just let things happen the way they are supposed to. I have both endless patience and I have no patience. I am a contradiction, a paradox. And sometimes that annoys me about myself. I know there are things I have to wait for. But right now I know what I want. I know what I need. They are one and the same.
Myself and Christian…well that was a disaster. I knew a year ago we should not have been together. But I had this irrational fear that I would end up alone. Decemeber 2011 I was fully prepared, after a weekend in Cork to break up with him. Then things happened and I thought “Well maybe we can work this out.” But I would look at him and think “I am not attracted to you. I don’t even think I love you anymore.” At this stage we had even stopped sleeping in the same bed. In the same room. He would go to college and I would relax and enjoy my day and the second I heard the front door open I would tense up. I would get this awful pain across my shoulders and back. And the heartburn…Oh God. I was swigging a large bottle of heartburn medication almost every three days. that was not healthy. Then he would open his mouth and just piss me off to be honest. Then I realised while all this was going on I had feelings for someone else. And even though MWT was always there I managed to deny those feelings. Until I spoke about it to a mutual friend. Thats when my sanity almost broke. MWT became everything. I would slip into my world and see him whenever Christian had pissed me off. Just for some relief, for some relaxation. Seeing the RWT counterpart made me even better. Getting a hug from him was amazing. A full proper hug. It made me feel so good that there was someone in my life that was actually happy to see me. Until then I had felt neglected. I was tired and stressed at being a mother to a fully grown 43 year old man.
Then when dad got sick that was when the shit well and truly hit the fan. I was gone most days, all day. And when I got home, tired, stressed and on the verge of tears and needing to be looked after I was asked “what are we doing for dinner?” This could be any time between 7pm and 11pm when I got home. That made me feel angry and stressed and at this point we usually errupted into fights. And at the time RWT was away and all I could think was “I wish he was here.” I knew that if he was I would be able to talk to him, pour out my sorrows, cry on his shoulder. I don’t think I ever missed anyone as much. Then one evening I remember talking to Christian and informing him that we, as a couple were hanging by a thread. He put off that particular conversation for two weeks. By this time I was coming up to a time where I was house-sitting for the above mentioned mutual friend for a little over a week and I couldn’t wait. I told Christian it would give us both time to think about whether we could fix our situation or even if we wanted to. I knew at this time I did not want to fix it. I just wanted him out of my life. A few nights before I went house-sitting Christian had informed me that he had been to see his shrink and was on the verge of a breakdown. That his father also being an alcoholic (I was always told he was a highly functioning alcoholic) had been verbally abusive. The first time in almost four years together I heard this. And that my father being ill and in hospital with possible liver failure had brought it all back. All I could think was “You selfish bastard” That might sound cruel but its the truth. It was how I felt. I couldn’t deal with it. So off I went house-sitting a day early just so I could get away from him and thinking of ways to extend my stay. The first couple of days I barely saw Christian but I was starting to relax and by this time RWT had come back though I hadn’t seen him. Then Christian came over on a Monday evening I think it was and said he couldn’t do it anymore. That because over the last few weeks I was aggressive and abusive, if he stayed with me there was a real possibility he would harm himself. Of course I was aggressive and abusive, we were fighting and I would come home after being out all day, worrying about my father, juggling so many things and I would come home and be expected to cook and clean after he sat on his ass on the couch doing nothing all day but getting stoned. One of the reasons I hadn’t broken up with him sooner was because I was afraid he would harm himself if I left. So he all but left me stranded, took the car, in the back ass of nowhere. Then he left. And all I could think was “Thank God!” I turned my music up loud and danced around the house. The sense of relief was almost overwhelming. I texted RWT to tell him what had happened and that I would not be able to pick him up from even the bus stop. Yet he still came even though he had to walk a few miles to the house.
I can’t remember the last time I was so happy to see someone. I all but launched myself at him when he turned up on the doorstep. And I got one of his great hugs, where I was actually, for the first time in my life, lifted off my feet and swung around. Someone was happy to see me. It felt great. I wanted to tell him how I felt about him but decided maybe not the best time. I didn’t want him to think he was second best, or a rebound after Christian. So I decided I would leave it and give myself time to settle into my new home.
Getting my things from Christian proved harder then expected given that he turned mean and spiteful. He actually took two GB of RAM from my PC, something that I am very, very pissed about. I liked having my nice powerful 6 GB PC. But still it pissed me off. When the mutual friend found out, she decided no more. And on New Years Eve she got her partner, his brother, myself and herself into the car, with a horsebox attached and took us to where I used to live with Christian where we had all my things boxed and packed away in the horse box in under two hours. Christian had been very surprised. And living like a pig. It was disgusting and the smell from all the cats was vile. He wasn’t cleaning up after himself and he himself looked ill. He has lost loads of weight and looks rather like a string-bean and was as white as a sheet. And he looked old. I looked at him and knew then we were doing the right thing. I was happy and relieved to be away from him. Knowing I don’t have to deal with his shit has made all the difference.
In my mind, given the last year, I feel I have been single for over a year. I am ready to get back out there but I as I said I know what I want. And I know what I need. I need someone who is willing to take me as I am, warts and all. (Not that I have any physical warts) I want someone who can look at me when I am growling and when I am smiling and think “its all part of who she is” I want someone who is willing to have an equal partnership. Someone to share the load. Who will look after me and let me look after them. Someone who will pull me out of my shell when I need it, someone who will let me be antisocial when I need it and naturally the same goes for me. I want something that will stand the test of time. I want someone I can talk with, no matter the subject and I want someone where we can both sit on the couch and read or be on the computer and just be happy in each others company. I want someone who sees all my idiosyncrasies and still think “Amazing.” I want someone where I don’t have to be the strong on all the time. I want someone I can lean on when times get tough. I want someone I can let go with and break down and not feel guitly about. I need all things. I think I could have it. I think I deserve that. I think I could have that with RWT if he felt the same. I wish I had the courage to find out.
So for now I may have to settle for a great friendship because as strong as I am, as blunt as I am, as straight forward as I am. And as brave as some people think I am, I actually am a coward. I always have been. The thoughts of telling anyone my feelings, has my stomach in knots, my back all tensed up, my heart pounding and sweat pouring from me. And I will have the words in my head and they just will not get out no matter what.
Its like that day when I was walking with RWT before he left and I was explaining My World and that MWT had moved in and was reading my books and RWT asked me what MWT sounded like. And I started stammering. I only ever stammer when I am nervous or wound up. All I could think was “He sounds like you because he is you.” But what came out was “I…I…I… d…d…d…don’t th…th…th…think I c…c…c…can p…p…p…put it into w..w..w..words.” I felt like such a fool and I was so angry with myself and my face flamed so hot a bright I could have landed a bloody airplane. Even now it is really embarrassing to think about. Hell the thought of it still makes my stomach knot up.
So maybe I won’t get what I want but given that I need the same thing as what I want maybe for once I will get lucky and get it anyway.
Gotta go, sheep to be fed, dogs to be walked etc.
Keep happy and Keep on writing
PS Sorry for the late wishes but HAPPY NEW YEAR. I hope you all get what you wish for in 2013 and may you have the strength to keep to your resolutions.